Kurosawa
I’ve rarely written about my other pets, because after my dog Ruby died, I felt all my words and energy went to finding ways to speak on that particular relationship— because it was so profound for me.
But alas, they are all profound.
This was Kurosawa, my beautiful serene three footed lizard of unmatched majesty (she had lost a foot as a juvenile, with her previous people.)
When she was a baby she escaped and was found beneath and up inside a giant recliner, that easily could’ve crushed her. It was a miracle she was found. (This was not how she lost her foot.)
As an adult she seemed content basking beneath the warmth of her bulb, and talking her baths. No longer an escape artist.
She would get fiesty and her beard would turn black.
She’d fall asleep on your chest.
I just wanted to digitally immortalize her here on this page with some words. She brought me great happiness those 12 yrs being her caretaker, and in the end she just became frail and there wasn’t much that could be done. She died three summers ago on my lap in the sunshine.
I buried her the next day.
I started out with a shovel, but quickly ditched it for a giant metal spoon, and I was amazed how hard the soil was. My hands bled.
My tears fell into the soil. I let everything pour out of me into in that seemingly small hole.
It seems that bleeding hands are written into the script, no matter how big or small the grave is that your digging.
You’re just really lucky if you get to dig the grave in the first place.
All my other pets are ash, waiting for me to die, while cloistered in plush velvet bags or small wooden boxes, (which I greet with a “good morning” and a gentle“goodnight” each time I shut the living room lights off)
I will be scattered with them, if I’m lucky enough to have people around to take the directive seriously, by the time I go. But sometimes I feel selfish keeping them so constrained beneath their weight in carbon ash.
Confinement feels wrong (but then so does burying;) I mean it’s all surreal and horrible and beautiful—and so is the nagging reminder–that I no longer feel strongly about that one specific spot I had wanted our ashes scattered.
My heart is in too many places now, and the places I loved so dearly—well they were marred—turned into long sprawling housing developments.
When I was young I was so certain of ”the place.”
Anyway….
All I know is, When it comes to these ashes— one plus one equals one and so on.
I will eventually settle on a place that makes sense (probably some prairie remnant off the side of a small highway, that feels like you could be anywhere and has that universal melancholic ache, when the light hits just right, as your driving into the late afternoon sun thinking to yourself that even though highways are ugly man made constructs, your heart still melts looking out from beyond them.
It may seem strange to talk more of her death than her life, but It’s complicated in the end.
I know in my heart of hearts, I am suited to be an undertaker, and I was born into the wrong time —the wrong profession perhaps–
— def the wrong time—not just for the living—but for the dead.
It was once that you let the dead sleep while rubbing their feet with oils and wrapping them lovingly in fine cloth before saying goodbye.
Death took the time it needed.
She laid in state overnight and was buried the next morning wrapped up in a t shirt remnant with her little head sticking out one end, with some beautiful trumpet flowers.
Now some Black Eyed Susan’s grow upon her.
She too would have been ash, but I don’t drive, and I was alone that summer when she died , with no way to get her to the cremation place an hour away (a little animal cemetery on farmland, were they let you place your pet in the furnace even tho it’s probably not legal). They even cremate horses ( the man who looked like Santa meets Johnny Cash told me “only woman do that”;) and when my dog Ruby was being cremated he made me play him a song on his guitar and eventually sang for me. We sang Ruby into the ether together, as her bones and fur turned into a black ribbon of gentle smoke against the blue sky.
Anyway. Finally my words came for Kurosawa today.
I will always have you with me dear Kuro.
And I love knowing where you are in the meantime …. and that I put you there.
Frozen Lake
ones and zeroes,
the digital realm
looks like so:
01001001 00100000 01001100 01101111 01110110 01100101 00100000 01011001 01101111 01110101.
I just told you I love you in binary code.
It goes on forever
these bits,
miraculously
for better or for worse,
taking on shapes
that create worlds
Inside more worlds.
Everything presumably known
turned into a world,
by a universal braille
deployed through
rare earth.
The human heart,
seldomly recorded— If lucky,
never undergoes conversion
(from analogue into digital,)
In its most basic way,
its rarely in need of “liberation”
It may remain as it is,
never to be conjoined
with these fragmented bits
Never succumbing
to that all familiar, cliched
frenetic sonic etching
The one that depicts the end.
Cover your eyes and ears.
But know what is being depicted.
Rejoice in jagged mountain ranges, where the fragile tops of pine forests and spindly naked brambles once met with the sky
^^^^^^~^~^~^~~~~~~^~~~~~~~^
Prepare yourself. It’s going to slow down now….
As it descends into the shape of a treeless valley.
Til it stops.
Looking like the top of a frozen lake.
———————————-
It’s inside this vacuum of forever,
where nothing ever rests or escapes.
I just told you I love you
preserved in the finality of code.
Where it
will remain
amid a frozen lake
forever.
J.Sykes
Summers Last Grip
Summer’s Last Grip, August, 19th, 2021
A wisp of cool air cuts through, hovering below the cracked and crooked heat of the prairie, settling somewhere in its midst. Autumn, in its gentle elegant way suggests, “my arrival is pending.“
This moment’s abrupt, like being struck by the most tender cosmic sledgehammer that’s gifted itself to the wilted soul needing to break out from the spell of summer’s last grip.
The crickets and the cicada compete to be heard in a suspended swell of harmonic revery. A symphony of frenetic melancholia—plaintively testifying; “We know this song is coming to an end! We know! And we’re going to summon all, to divine from themselves this ancient autumnal ache— one which must then be turned into something bigger then oneself!”
Ah yes. And Into the night you will go, surrendering—turning back into your own ghost.
*p.s the online store has just been redone, to fit the motif of this new website!New T- shirts coming soon!
Marble Son Lyrics
MARBLE SON
Track listing:
1) Hushed By Devotion (8:22)
2) Marble Son (4:13)
3) Come To Mary ( 4:31)
4) Servant Of Your Vision (4:39)
5) Ceiling’s High (4:24)
6) Be It Me, Or Be It None (4:21)
7) Pleasuring The Divine (5:16)
8) Weight Of Cancer (6:01)
9) Birds Of Passerine (3:48)
10) Your Own Kind (6:36)
11) Wooden Roses (5:33)
1) Hushed By Devotion (Sykes/Wandscher)
Everything you know so well,
is bound by hushed devotion.
And, in the shapes we used to be,
I remember asking;
why mirror all that moves,
just to soothe the one who’s lacking?
Leave me as I am today,
bound by only one thing.
Search for warmth out on the fray,
yes, I remember wanting,
two hearts so aligned,
they’d reach and never resign.
2) Marble Son (Sykes/Wandscher)
Oh Marble Son, why can’t I love you more?
I wish I’d found you beautiful before.
When I was young, I’d have most anyone,
But I only loved what was to come undone,
come undone.
Oh, marble son….
who stands beside you?
They say we are the trees; we are in the air,
we are the land, the ocean, and the moon;
we are despair…and the happiness,
that lingers everywhere.
Will we ever be ourselves again?
Worried minds in need of silencing.
I do not wish to be free,
but I know….
it’s what needs to be.
Oh Marble Son, why can’t I love you more?
I wish I’d found you beautiful before.
Oh, before….
3) Come To Mary (Jesse Sykes)
Come to Mary; she don’t mind.
Come to Mary; she don’t mind.
Because everybody gets to have their time,
come to Mary; she don’t mind.
To everybody left behind,
to everybody left behind;
the world feels wicked,
but I’m feeling fine.
To everybody left behind…
I’m the one who cannot let go;
how I long to stand beside her golden glow.
Come to Mary; she don’t mind.
4) Servant Of Your Vision (Jesse Sykes)
Every day I wade through muddy waters deep.
Without this wanting, will I soon be free?
It’s hard to know,
harder not to know.
And, if you lose yourself to love just once more,
is the servant of your vision at the door?
He’s brought shadows for your flowers….
In the absence of fear,
beauty will appear,
though this beauty is not mine.
It’s hard to love,
harder not to love,
everything that’s ever come before,
as the universe exhales just once more,
in time for recovery.
It’s always winter inside every heart of gold;
for summer hearts are just longing for the cold.
Heat for the young,
winter for the old,
soul, whose grown tired of his skin,
who generates the warmth to rise again.
And, if you lose yourself to love just once more,
will the servant of your vision kick down the door,
and bring shadows for your flowers?
5) Ceiling’s High (Sykes/Wandscher)
Talk to me;
the ghost still needs to breathe,
and sing precious melodies into the air.
Ceiling’s high,
and the devil he never came,
but he still shouts out your name
among the missing,
the estranged,
oh, the missing,
the estranged.
Oh, he knows;
he can’t keep you satisfied,
offering delight to ease the longing.
Overripe;
listen to the children sing,
while precious offerings
are laid upon your head and feet.
Do you love them because they are weak?
Night it came,
following behind.
I love them because they’re mine;
and there’s a ceiling;
it’s just been hung,
for a daughter and a son.
6) Be It Me, Or Be It None (Jesse Sykes)
Are you the one who sees?
Are you the one who knows,
why we ask ourselves,
why we ask ourselves,
if the feeling’s real?
Be it me or be it none,
for now.
Be it you or be it me,
somehow…
somehow…
There’s nothing left back here,
for the silent one who stands,
I will disappear.
I look inside; I’m loving what I thought I saw.
I look inside; I’m loving what I thought I saw.
Ahhh…
Be it me or be it none,
for now.
Be it you or be it me,
somehow…
somehow…
7) Pleasuring The Divine (Sykes/Wandscher)
I was longing to be near
the changing sea,
with repetitious praise
and symphonic reverie.
Where I could lose you to a word,
eternal and reserved;
where I could meld into your side,
until the mystery’s satisfied.
I thought of all we loved,
and what love wanted of our lives.
And through a stand of ancient pine,
we kissed each other’s wives.
Forever we will spy.
Forever we will hide.
Inside the heart of every child,
plucked from the bitter vine,
life’s seemingly sublime.
And what more is a man
expected to give,
when he’s pleasuring the divine?
8) Weight Of Cancer (instrumental) (Phil Wandscher)
9) Birds Of Passerine (Jesse Sykes)
You dream,
the birds of passerine;
where night calls past,
every day serene.
You’re free,
from the muck caught in the mire;
born of light,
stillborn of desire.
Some,
some they get away;
while others,
they find the will to stay.
And some thrive,
but are left unsatisfied…
The world won’t let you go…
No, the world won’t let you go…
And still we had to cry,
for the space you occupied.
10) Your Own Kind (Sykes/Wandscher)
Does he understand your heart, girl,
really understand your heart?
It’s a rare, rare find,
to be cared for by your own kind.
To live a life completely;
to have lived a life complete,
you must first let go,
of everything that you know.
You must let go.
And, those heavenly creatures,
they call out,
“We are too young to be troubled by this doubt”.
Do you understand your heart now;
really understand your heart?
It’s a rare, rare kind,
that isn’t troubled by his own mind.
A rare, rare kind….
And, those heavenly creatures,
they call out,
“We are too young to be troubled by this doubt”.
Oh, by this doubt….
11) Wooden Roses (Jesse Sykes)
Take care of me,
behind a doorway of wooden roses;
where nobody goes,
where nobody;
no body goes.
Fell into the sea,
suspended and broken hearted;
how I longed for the shore,
where love it is,
a song,
and nothing more.
Coiled and refrained;
from the darkness a silver sermon
collects me from the pain.
Shall I ask for more,
shall I,
ask for more?
When love came to me,
it brought a sweetness that’s not been found,
in the hollow ground;
where time it is,
so tall,
and that is all;
where time it is,
so tall,
and that is all…
where time it is,
so tall,
and that is all.
The New Year 2022
Love , which somehow spawned itself since before the first collapse, continues to grow grow grow, with or without us. Alas, we signed up for this brilliant epic ride, as it runs its infinite course of splendor and fuckery.
Me, I’m gonna wait til the universe collapses once more and a new one is born, before making any kind of New Years proclamations or others;) But in the meantime, here’s to that many splendored fuck called love, in all its glorious manifestations through time and space !
And here’s to the darkness and light and even to pain itself—-and endings and beginnings and endings and beginnings again.
O’ Love you got me! You got me good this time!
Big hug, til the next collapsing splendor !
( *interacting galaxies forming a rose, credited to the Hubbell Telescope)
——————————————————————————————-
The New Shirts Have Arrived! September 4th, 2021
Just got a fresh batch of T-shirts in! Sending them out to the online store folks this Monday…so order up after Labor Day!!Even have 2XL’S!
——————————————————————————————–
Happy Birthday Cancerians! Sunday, July 4th 2021
Right before my 53rd birthday almost one year ago, my mother pointed out to me in a very serious tone, regarding my turning 53 …she said, “it happens to a lot of people”. My mother is pretty damn funny without even trying, and I’m just really glad she and I are still on this earth together for yet another rotation around the sun, and to also get to see the unveiling of a new website that actually works;) Hi MOM!!
A few quirks are still being worked out (and the online store is getting an overhaul very soon). Most importantly though, will be new music and shows eventually, so that this site isn’t just a scroll down memory lane or a digital museum dedicated to ourselves;) I’ve stopped trying to project when exactly this will be (the record seeing the light of day)…After a difficult decade, I am just glad to still be trying to crack the code and leave a little nugget of beauty behind in this ever so complex, ever evolving world of ours…its all any of us can ask for….to try and leave a little beauty in their wake. I appreciate you stopping by, and I can’t wait to share the music, when the record is complete….Big hug and thank you Doug, for getting this site up and running! ….xoJess
Wednesday, June 20, 2018
Friends….We are soon going to have a new website and a new record….. In the meantime I’m very excited to share a brand new song from the recording session of the album….. the song will be available next week for purchase and for streaming on ALL platforms worldwide…its called Dewayne…..here is a little something I wrote about it:
So when you look out onto that great body of water that seemingly stays the same while everything surrounding it is changing at break neck speed, and the numbers of homeless proliferate just as quickly, think of Dewayne and all of the other lost souls that still wander the streets of Seattle, even more incongruous and discarded than ever, and think of the words of Dewayne’s parole officer…”Dewayne is finally free and he’d never been free before”….… Thank you for listening….Jesse
——————————————————————————————————————————————-
posted by Jesse Sykes 8:10 AM
New T shirt design available in online store!!
Thursday, December 01, 2016
New T shirts are available in our online store!! This was designed by Phil and is from a photo he took of me in Paris back in 2013…..right now I am missing the 2xl’s and form fitting ladies t-s…but will add them to the next batch …xj
posted by Jesse Sykes 10:30 AM
11 Questions with Jesse Sykes- By Gary Heffren (repost from another blog)
Monday, October 17, 2016
Last August I sent out questionnaire’s to many of my musical and artists friends they all had the same 11 Questions. so thus the name of the column. I will publish one a week for you all. I got some tremendous response from a wide variety of people including Keith Morris, Lira Roessler, Lou Skum, John Dowd, and Mike Watt among many others. I want to start with my dear old friend jesse sykes . I love this woman to death. Her and Philip Wandscher have been making some of the greatest music of the last 10 years. so … here we go. her depth of honesty in this is beautiful and horrific. Here’ one for Tim Mays and Lucina Go, and many of you saw her with the Loons, old friend of mine, and another who thinks out of the box, and is a true visionary… and i love her Miss jesse sykes:
1. Would you name all the bands you have played in, and if you can remember approximately what years, and any recordings?
Children of the Future, Merkin, The Administration (1982-84), Made Of Wood (1992-1994), Hominy(1995-97). All of the 80’s were just high school bands…no records. The 90’s can be forgotten as well (one cd made with Hominy)…. Sang and co-wrote a song on “ALTAR” a collaboration with SUNNO))) and BORIS( 2007). Performed live with the ensemble a few times in the states and overseas. Jesse Sykes and the Sweet Hereafter (2001-present), 4 albums, 2 eps. (*new record pending)….
2. what music, or life happening made your decision to play? and why?
I always played an instrument as a kid, but at age 12 guitar was summoned by a deep budding love for; sorry–Lynyrd Skynyrd!!! (the original, not the ridiculous version that must have Ronnie Van Zant rolling in his grave!). I went to a really uptight private school from 1978-81 (I eventually got kicked out in 8th grade!) and there was a lot of anti-Semitism (my maiden name was Solomon-can’t get more Jewish then that!). Kids would call me a “kike”, “Jew this and Jew that” –that sort of thing. They were all blonde haired, blue eyed, country club kids with names like “Beanie” and “Buffy”…to make matters worse, we played sports on the country club’s private property (which was across the street from the school), but they didn’t allow blacks or Jews and back in those days no one minced words or pretended this wasn’t the case. It was accepted as normal and it was clear. They might as well have had a sign on the entry way. Me and the handful of other Jewish kids (there were like maybe 4 or 5 tops) and the one black kid, were made aware this was the case almost daily-it was a constant awareness. This school turned me into a very rebellious kid- and it was the perfect cocktail of being bullied and finding rock n’ roll at the same time, that allowed these things to converge and I never looked back. Being sent to this place was the best thing that could have happened to me, in terms of waking up a monster inside me, and making it my life’s mission to be open and tell my own truth, always…. I’ve known since the end of 6th grade that music was all I wanted to do with my life and that I never wanted to be part of mainstream society. It took many years for it to evolve into being more than a concept, or a vehicle to simply express rage and youthful exuberance…the nuances and complexities came much later, as did the band that would allow me to incorporate all these elements in a cohesive, emotionally outside of the box way.
3. Was it difficult to find your first band or was it happenstance? where and how did you meet?
4. Now after all these years looking back, any regrets? Any feeling that your pursuit of music held you back from what you saw your friends at the same age happening (marriage careers, etc) ever make you double think what you were doing?
I have some sadness about the loss of certain band members along the way-in terms of how things went down and some friendships that seem to have been mired in the muck…but no, I’m the opposite of many when it comes to regrets about the big overarching life matters…I look at my friends with kids and I think “thank god I didn’t go that route!”…I am fortunate to have no regrets in that department. But, I’m also fortunate in that I’ve never cared about money or major success. I always figured there was a chance I’d end up being a full time train hopper or hobo (this might still be in my future)…so the small successes I’ve had in music have been more than I could have hoped or dreamed in many ways. I’m saddened however that minor cult status bands used to be able to make a meager living (comparable to waiting tables for example) and I feel that’s been taken away. If I didn’t live in Iowa, I’d be waiting tables again….and there is nothing wrong with that…my point is simply, that access to free music online has taken that nugget of income away. Sometimes I do regret not being a train hopper still, because it seems the ultimate freedom and only way to combat the bullshit that reigns supreme these days… the way the world has become hurts my sensibilities, like Seattle becoming the playground for Amazon is a great example…the craziness of it all…sometimes I think I may try to live as far off the grid as possible, just finally disappear…I miss the grit and the wonder that seemed to be embedded in our culture before the tech industry got everyone drinking its Kool -Aid…
5. Influences, influences. influences.please!
6.What do you listen to now compared to what you were back then? Do you feel that your musical approach has changed and/or any new appreciation for music that you ignored in the past.
When I was a kid I was less open minded for sure in that I was not into quiet folk music except Cat Stephens-he was the exception…I would have found most folksier artists boring or at least not have been willing to give it a try (I was rigid) and I think I would have had trouble wrapping my head around certain punk bands as well….I had no exposure to that stuff at the time and it wouldn’t have resonated to what I was already emotionally adhering to, in terms of my personal everyday backdrop…which was being alone a lot in the woods…so it was music that matched my interpretation of sky, nature-a certain romance had to be there. A certain classical structure I guess…. Now it’s hard, cuz the bar gets higher as we have so much to reflect on and so much is still being created. I’m personally not interested in music that sounds like “other” music to me, because I’ve already fallen in love with the original too many times over…What I mean by that is, it’s often kind of cookie cutter nowadays and the age old archetypes just kind of keep resurfacing, one after another…it’s like a Renaissance fair–anachronistic culture on crack! So truth be told, I’m not really “searching” anymore…I let it find me organically…..I hate the way music looks in a FB pipeline (notice i said “looks”)…like a little two-dimensional nugget in a two inch square. It turns me off in that context…I can’t listen to music at all thru a lap top and I don’t own a smart phone or an i-pod (just the name turns me off; i- “POD”-barf!!)…So there’s no way I can fall in love with it thru the random FB feed…and songs are seemingly all that goes thru my feed when I can stomach being on fb and peeking in to the pipeline. A lot of middle aged men out there, seem to have not outgrown their homo erotic relationship to the teen dream rock stars of their day…and I get this (I really do)…but I guess for me it’s kind of painful to stay in that state all the time–I had to move on and let go a bit, find some distance from my beloved past in that there is some sorrow embedded. My associations with a lot of music from my past are painful to me now, in many ways and I guess I just need to see what life feels like without those particular lifelines. So in the interim I listen to lots of classical music and Nicolai Dunger….I’m trying to understand this and ”ll let you know when i do! There’s plenty of time to go back to the classics and if I continue to live, I’m sure more than enough new stuff will find me…..there’s time. As far as my personal approach to making music; I’m not trying to fit into a record label’s parameters of always needing new music out there all the time (since we aren’t presently on a label)…that notions great if you are super prolific…I’m not… my music has to reflect my life and I need a lot of time to reflect and deflect…so it slows me down, or has slowed me down…I hate the indie rock parameters that are so deeply instilled in the current paradigm…I don’t listen to music in 18 month tour cycles and two year record cycles…you know?
7. do you have children? what are they listening to that “you just don’t get”?
No kids. Maybe I didn’t have kids out of the fear they’d listen to shitty music! Or worse-not be interested in music at all. The only thing I really “don’t get” is that many younger folks don’t care who the artist is, in relation to the music they hear on playlists and whatnot….for me, that was always important…..the messenger was someone I wanted to know- and context too really meant something….the history, the mythology…in many cases it all seems lost now.
8. Are you surprised to still be alive?You can go into any detail that you want on this.
10. What would you say to a kid that’s just starting out today?
Go for it-because if it’s real to you- that ache, then it’s probably more than just the music you are chasing anyway…it’s the need to testify, to detect bullshit…to have a voice, to have a community -and be wide open to remind others they too can be wide open. I do believe music saves lives, cuz it most certainly saved mine.
posted by Jesse Sykes 11:10 AM
Tix for Oct 27th show available very soon!! Moments away…
Saturday, September 10, 2016
Just a quick note to let you know that the tickets are not on sale yet for the show at the Sunset on Oct 27th….The show should be announced (and the tix link made available) any moment. I jumped the gun by sending a mailer out too soon, cuz I was so excited!! To be cont….and sorry for any confusion. Also more notes to follow…..concerning what we have been up to all year….xojess
posted by Jesse Sykes 4:29 PM
September, always. (More thoughts on loss.)
Friday, September 02, 2016
September, always.
Someone told me they had a dream last night and I was there hanging out with some of their departed friends, but smiling a reassuring smile from across a room…makes sense on this day, an anniversary….I get a thrill now when I go to sleep, because I always hope to see Ruby or some of my departed friends and family ….Funny with age, the balance quickly can become disproportionate…you can find that more of your top tier loved ones are dead then alive…it gives you no choice but to become a good confidante to death….I know I’m not the first to say this sort of thing…but when those you love are in death’s embrace, you have to fall in love with death a bit too….I still see Larry Barrett rolling his eyes at half the stuff that comes out of my mouth (I’m sure he’s rolling them over my attempt to be poetic here!)…He’s still keeping me in check and I’m still hearing him everywhere. His laugh. Sometimes I don’t even think he liked me at times, but I know for sure, we were friends. I think it was this day last year, on the 1 yr anniversary of his death, his brother scattered his ashes in a lake in Idaho, to be eternally alongside his mother …I’m still transfixed on how a lake can become, or embody your beloved friend and how your friend is now the lake that his ashes were scattered within. Since childhood, I’ve spent a lot of time pondering this for every person that is now a lake, an ocean, a tree, a beautiful rose bush, or a marble monument. I haven’t seen this particular lake, but I do dream of it.
My walks these days are extra blissful and even though I’m fully engaged with life, its been mostly Ruby coming to me thru all the bursting energy of the prairie plants, the insects and the clouds..the insane colors.This was a place she loved ..(There’s a certain spot on this walk I do everyday, across from a meadow, were I always think about Larry and the lake that is now Larry-always without fail. So, more then often, he joins me for the duration of these meditative jaunts through this labyrinth of tall grass prairie) I miss you Larry, if you woke up now, you’d simply ask “how long was I out for?” and it would have felt like a simple dream…
And Ruby my girl, my dear sweet dog, who made me realize in those alternate parallel universes they speak of, I must be a mother to many creatures…..I’m missing, miss, miss, missing you! In three weeks it’ll be a year you died in my arms, on your own terms, while I “sang you out” . It was a privilege to see you out of this world. Its been brutal for me but, yeah, there’s that strange beauty of the missing itself. I wonder sometimes what the by product of the weight of missing is, for all of us?…It seems as if by now we all must have spun webs of silk the size of the universe’s many mysterious curtains, filling the whole galactic theater…Or we’ve at least bled infinite jars of honey to nourish those in need of honey…it must be the case. God, i hope so. I don’t think music itself can house this energy-its way more mysterious ….this missing is way more clunky (like the milky ways gravitational force and then some)and also impossibly refined…or, its just a boring word perhaps. Love.
I’m flying to Seattle in a few weeks…I’ll look down from the plane, possibly holding a strangers hand, as I often do on planes during take off….and I’ll look at the state of Iowa below..It’s splayed out like a geometric quilt, and it’ll “be” Ruby I’m looking down on-covered by the quilt….Then, when I get to Seattle, I’ll pass Larry’s old house, the adorable small bungalow that was the epicenter of so many good times ….and i’ll see the godforsaken sterile condo that was built there after they tore the house down…(boy you got out at the right time!)….But I promise, ill be thinking of the lake, Larry
posted by Jesse Sykes 3:06 PM
Our beloved Ruby passed away on 9/23/15…this is about her death and cremation day.
Tuesday, April 05, 2016
(((This turned into an essay of sorts about Ruby’s cremation day (a word i hated when it came to being associated with her) and its about her essence of course..written not of sound mind perhaps, but there’s beauty in the story and i needed to tell it quick…thank you all so much for your kindness and love))))))
——————————————————————————
Well, first morning with out her. (Now it’s afternoon) ….I was saying to a friend, “its quantum”…a silence that’s turned in on itself….our parrot Grub is calling her name, “Ruby, Ruby!”. Whistling the dog call whistle he does so well,” Pspsstphhw”.”Come here, girl!” But still it feels silent and vacuous…Even with our other dog Zinka nipping and gnawing as she does in the morning first thing -even with her nails on the wood floor and her barking at the mailman…I’m not hearing Ruby’s waking routine–her clamoring for a walk, busting open the bathroom door, poking her head through…her circling three times on her bed before she plunks down with either a thud or a gentle curl. Ahhh, this void. Brutal. Then there’s what my friend, who just lost her dog said to me in a sweet consoling email-the question of “what do you do with all that love?” That’s the thing…..I guess, you lean in harder, punch and rip the substrate even more furiously…love people harder for all the sorrow you know they feel too…I guess that’s all we can do…I know, you know, we all must know this- even before we get there with whichever supreme loss we know will inevitably happen and that we must endure….but its a knowing that’s ineffable and changes shape before you can etch it out with any words or actions. So without the proper words, ill just say, I guess I actually don’t know you know, or I know….but we “do” instead, letting our actions speak for us in these times, no matter how fumbled they may seem. Every thing I reach for, touch, look at, contains a split second of me thinking she is here still in the house, then I get that harsh burst of reality..muscle memory…she is embedded in every pain, ache, and bug bite I’m scratching today-I got these bites when she was smiling and sitting at the park the other day- so engaged and happy.. I’m still trying to wake up…trying to get in the mode to write, cause there’s so much I want to say about her-if i loved her boundlessly for 15 1/2 yrs, I love her even more now…didn’t think this was possible! .I had said yesterday in my post that I was ” terrified of living in a Rubyless world”…But I knew the truth that Ruby was always in everything already-she is why I reached and loved harder then I thought was possible for a broken soul like myself…She made me less base…more tender….every tree top, every blade of grass, every thing that traces an outline of anything else-she seemed to be present in -and this changed me and the way I saw the world…My heart today feels like its been pummeled by a million tiny hammers made of feathers, and my heart knows better then before that it has a job to do……and Ruby led me to this knowingness from the moment I cupped her beating heart in my palm and felt it stop…….
Yesterday morning started with a long drive at dawn through the country where we were able to attend her cremation…the man gave me directions the night before that clearly and intentionally brought us on the scenic route (this we realized when we returned home as the highway was right there) He said “I find people end up elsewhere if they use GPS”…I feel after meeting this man, that what he meant by “elsewhere” was a metaphor…He wanted us to be present for the beautiful drive …not “elsewhere” GPS would have led us to the highway and we’d have missed the stunning entry to his world…That drive,her last, was part of the whole experience-of the letting go..(We don’t use GPS,and i don’t even drive!…but he didn’t know this!)…I had seen commercials all these years for this place..an animal cemetery/crematory called “Loving Rest Pet Cemetery” and I always cried when it came on….I never thought in a million yrs however I’d seek this particular place out for the same reasons most of you wouldn’ t(it always made me think of the Eroll Morris film doc called “Gates Of Heaven”)….But I knew all these yrs that when I thought of her death it really concerned me that I wouldn’t know what was going to happen to her body once I gave it up to whomever (vet etc) for her to be cremated-for me this matters. And I knew when I lived in Seattle in particular, burial wasn’t an option. I’m old school. When my grandmother died at home (she lived with us) she remained in state her last night and my mom tenderly sponged her and changed her nightgown before the undertakers took her away on a snowy February morning…(our old dog, that had become inseparable from her, died a few days later) So I guess its instilled in me, to not have your loved one whisked away before you can say goodbye on your own terms and take care of them one last time…In a perfect world maybe you’d have 48 hours, like some other cultures do.
I didn’t want to bury her here in Iowa since we may not be staying here much longer…. A while back a friend had told me she brought her dog and placed it inside the refrigerator at the place he was to be cremated…this was a start, i remember thinking…..I felt like “ok”,: “ill at least do that, when the time comes”…wrap her up in a blanket like my friend did- and put a picture of her in her best years to show the attendants that she was loved,( as my friend did) I was extremely touched by this story….Nothing against anyone else’s choices, as its not always possible to avoid, and we all have different needs and outlooks on this sort of thing, but I didn’t want Ruby in a fridge…for me, that was harder to stomach then the flames themselves.
As anyone with an old dog knows, you have many scares…we had mast cell cancer surgery, lumps and bumps on both ends removed,allergies(Ruby would for years allow me to put all 4 legs at once in little bowls, to soak her paws that used to get infected with yeast and excessive licking)…then 8 moths ago the seizures came, in one 24 hour bout-and we were told this would be the end…The ER vet said, “one month tops” (hell, he wanted us to put her to sleep that very night!). Well in typical Ruby fashion, she bounced back a week later and became very vibrant-almost more so then pre- seizure(b12!) and the seizures never returned…But in that short window, when we weren’t sure if she would make it, I did some research and got prepared for the inevitable… What are the odds, my vet uses this place from the TV commercial for their cremations…So I called to ask if I could deliver her myself at least. When they said I could, I felt elated I may have bypassed the need for her to be placed in the fridge….then I asked if I can attend. “Yes” they said. Jackpot! lastly, I asked, “can she be cremated alone”? “Yes”. Relief. I knew I at least had that part of the equation prepared and felt a bit less anxiety…I wouldn’t have to worry any longer about some complacent glue huffer handling my beloved Ruby..How it was going to go down in terms of her death, was anybody’s guess at the time,and this of course has always caused me major anxiety and of course great sorrow. So, I feel blessed and astonished at how it ended. It was a beautiful departure that she died in my arms at home, naturally. I had laid alongside her all day into the evening and sang to her for the last 20 minutes before she let go.
After her last drive through a stunning countryside, we arrived and I had the notion in my mind that if it felt too creepy or wrong, we could take her home and bury her(which would be the only other option). When we pulled up it didn’t feel real…..The man who came out looked like a farmer, not a pet cemetery guy,(or at least he didn’t look like the guy from the commercial that I was expecting-but it was him)a plus, but I was still rattled and unsure- I had my doubts..I asked the guy “so what made you go into this line of business”?….. i asked abut a million questions and had to wrap my head around what was about to happen…Eventually he asked;”will you be ready in 5 minutes” ? Mike my fiance, tenderly insured me she was really dead and that she really was no longer needing her body…I needed to be told this even tho I knew this….I was a child again in this moment….I huffed her neck, the backs of her velvety ears ,embraced her for a few minutes, one last time and then I let john(the man) take her out of the van and we all went inside .I had her wrapped in a beautiful blanket that i will never wash…and had her cremated with another.
Because.it felt like being on a farm- that helped me psychologically…it was like a big barn with machinery..a fork lift for horses was the first thing you see upon entering-which he was very proud to show and explain to me,..A huge cremation chamber for them…I tried to think of the furnace Ruby was placed into as a portal-a place in which she would simply go back to the elements and be transformed..By the time I left I had a fondness of sorts, for the furnace-it didn’t seem as sinister or morbid anymore….I think that because Ruby was being associated with this beast of a caldron I had to see some sort of beauty in it now..(maybe ” beauty” and” fondness” are too strong a words, i’m at a loss for now! i just needed to not be slayed by their epic finality and cruel truth)..I liked that it was open and light inside the room, big glass doors opened to the countryside- not at all creepy….In fact it was helpful that there wasn’t any pretense…no pews, no inner sanctum(tho he said they used to have that in another building, but it burned down) When the dreaded moment came and he placed her in the cremation chamber, a metal door came down slowly and I let out a wail that must have been centuries old….I didn’t know a sound like that existed within me. It was so hard to release her, but I knew I had to be there when the process started…when the fire was turned on… to know and see the transformation-to see her out all the way. It was a loud rumble, not unlike a jet engine taking off.
It turns out the man, John, that runs this operation (family run) was one of the biggest characters I’ve ever met…..kind of a Santa Claus type…big overalls..long white hair…since the cremation took 90 minutes, he had time to tell me many stories…He told me that he has never cremated a horse that belonged to a man-only women .The most recent one was 45 yrs old (the horse). He told me too that he gets tons of calls from frantic families that have lost elderly loved ones and are about to bury them and then the loved ones old dog suddenly dies…These people want to have a quick cremation so they can put the ashes in the casket. He always helps them out. Not surprising this is so common, as it happened to us. He also told me one of the reasons it was always a rule(back in the day) to not let people be in the same room as the crematory or to not have a wall to separate them from the furnace, is because I guess there is fear of people trying to jump inside to be with their loved one, or pet…i get this!! My guess is he had me pegged as a potential jumper when he heard those wails……but there were no walls.
Anyway, this place had an animal cemetery and you have to believe me…it wasn’t hokey, or lets just say, in this context it made sense and was very sweet and innocent…these folks were for real, or at least they were the type of “for real” I needed them to be…….I sat on a little bench in the cemetery comforted by the fact that there were so many loved, departed pets surrounding me…Tombstones etched with names like “Midnight”, “Tootsie” “Samantha Parker” even some horses!….. I sat on a bench and watched Ruby come up out of the smoke stack ..As I mentioned….the setting was extremely rural-hillsides that seemed to be fluorescing(in the words of Gary Heffern regarding his dog Butch’s death and my observations of Iowa’s stunning coloration)), little homesteads with horses and mules….winding roads…heavenly .It brought me so much comfort to think of her particles descending upon this beautiful swatch of land.
It just so happened John was a huge bluegrass fan and player -and at some point he invited us into his home which was part of the compound..we had no idea til he invited us in what was in-store….He eventually led us to a room with 100 guitars or so on the walls mostly..but before that he made me play a song and then he sang a couple for me …Kind of sounded like Johnny Cash-he had major heart and soul, like a preacher singing, which he was- for the animals…it was so surreal…but it made me think how amazing it was that Ruby was sent off by this eccentric (in the best of ways )gatekeeper, that was such a celebratory character..its as if she were saying..”Jesse, this is why you play music and can’t go off the rails”…and ” I’m going to be ok Jesse, I’m just REALLY going to be in everything now, literally…you will see me everywhere!”…..Anyone that knows me knows, I don’t usually sing in strangers living rooms- meaning I don’t bust into song just because a guitar is laying around……I’m kind of squirrely that way! But I sang for her….
They had a huge x-mas tree in the room with all the guitars on the walls- and I asked what the deal was; he said, “oh, that’s my music tree.” It was decorated with little musical instrument ornaments…When I told him about Ruby being on the stage of the Fillmore once, he gave me an old poster of Janis Joplin “live at The Fillmore”….I didn’t feel apologetic for deciding to find meaning in all this…after all Janis Joplin is my earliest hero ..one of the reasons I sing in the first place .I just cant explain the gratitude that I will always associate Ruby’s cremation, truly the saddest day of my life so far, with this strange thru the looking glass experience of life affirming, celebratory zeal…Ruby is my guide dog-literally- and she brought me right up to the end, to a place I needed to be…she, the black ribbon running thru my life, tied the final bow .I had always thought it would be dark-a morbid experience to go this route. I said ” I’ll need to be bathed and spoon fed when she goes”(i’m not out of woods yet frankly)…but instead, I had the minister of an animal cemetery/crematory who chaperoned my sweet girl to the next world, stick a guitar in my hands and say,”sing me song”..
posted by Jesse Sykes 4:26 PM
Holiday Sale in the Online Store!!
Thursday, December 11, 2014
Seasons Greetings Folks!! We have a few cds from our catalog that are marked down to $8.00 only and an EP marked down to 5 bucks…Sale goes on till Jan 1st!!! Reckless Burning cd $ 8.00 Marble Son cd $8.00 Tempest EP $5 Please visit the store(link below)for other odds and ends for the music lover in your life!!! Enjoy the winter, the holidays, the warmth of kindred spirits- and we will see you somewhere out there in 2015!!! love, Jesse http://www.theconnextion.com/jessesykesandthesweethereafter/jessesykes_cat.cfm?CatID=48
Blogspot Posts retrieved
New T shirt design available in online store!!
11 Questions with Jesse Sykes- By Gary Heffren (repost from another blog)
No kids. Maybe I didnt have kids out of the fear they'd listen to shitty music! Or worse-not be interested in music at all. The only thing I really dont get is that many younger folks dont care who the artist is, in relation to the music they hear on playlists and whatnot .for me, that was always important ..the messenger was someone I wanted to know- and context too really meant something .the history, the mythology in many cases it all seems lost now.
Tix for Oct 27th show available very soon!! Moments away...
September, always. (More thoughts on loss.)
Someone told me they had a dream last night and I was there hanging out with some of their departed friends, but smiling a reassuring smile from across a room...makes sense on this day, an anniversary....I get a thrill now when I go to sleep, because I always hope to see Ruby or some of my departed friends and family ....Funny with age, the balance quickly can become disproportionate...you can find that more of your top tier loved ones are dead then alive...it gives you no choice but to become a good confidante to death....I know I'm not the first to say this sort of thing...but when those you love are in death's embrace, you have to fall in love with death a bit too....I still see Larry Barrett rolling his eyes at half the stuff that comes out of my mouth (I'm sure he's rolling them over my attempt to be poetic here!)...He's still keeping me in check and I'm still hearing him everywhere. His laugh. Sometimes I don't even think he liked me at times, but I know for sure, we were friends. I think it was this day last year, on the 1 yr anniversary of his death, his brother scattered his ashes in a lake in Idaho, to be eternally alongside his mother ...I'm still transfixed on how a lake can become, or embody your beloved friend and how your friend is now the lake that his ashes were scattered within. Since childhood, I've spent a lot of time pondering this for every person that is now a lake, an ocean, a tree, a beautiful rose bush, or a marble monument. I haven't seen this particular lake, but I do dream of it.
My walks these days are extra blissful and even though I'm fully engaged with life, its been mostly Ruby coming to me thru all the bursting energy of the prairie plants, the insects and the clouds..the insane colors.This was a place she loved ..(There's a certain spot on this walk I do everyday, across from a meadow, were I always think about Larry and the lake that is now Larry-always without fail. So, more then often, he joins me for the duration of these meditative jaunts through this labyrinth of tall grass prairie) I miss you Larry, if you woke up now, you'd simply ask "how long was I out for?" and it would have felt like a simple dream...
And Ruby my girl, my dear sweet dog, who made me realize in those alternate parallel universes they speak of, I must be a mother to many creatures.....I'm missing, miss, miss, missing you! In three weeks it'll be a year you died in my arms, on your own terms, while I "sang you out" . It was a privilege to see you out of this world. Its been brutal for me but, yeah, there's that strange beauty of the missing itself. I wonder sometimes what the by product of the weight of missing is, for all of us?...It seems as if by now we all must have spun webs of silk the size of the universe's many mysterious curtains, filling the whole galactic theater...Or we've at least bled infinite jars of honey to nourish those in need of honey...it must be the case. God, i hope so. I don't think music itself can house this energy-its way more mysterious ....this missing is way more clunky (like the milky ways gravitational force and then some)and also impossibly refined...or, its just a boring word perhaps. Love.
I'm flying to Seattle in a few weeks...I'll look down from the plane, possibly holding a strangers hand, as I often do on planes during take off....and I'll look at the state of Iowa below..It's splayed out like a geometric quilt, and it'll "be" Ruby I'm looking down on-covered by the quilt....Then, when I get to Seattle, I'll pass Larry's old house, the adorable small bungalow that was the epicenter of so many good times ....and i'll see the godforsaken sterile condo that was built there after they tore the house down...(boy you got out at the right time!)....But I promise, ill be thinking of the lake, Larry
Our beloved Ruby passed away on 9/23/15...this is about her death and cremation day.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, first morning with out her. (Now it's afternoon) ....I was saying to a friend, "its quantum"...a silence that's turned in on itself....our parrot Grub is calling her name, "Ruby, Ruby!". Whistling the dog call whistle he does so well," Pspsstphhw"."Come here, girl!" But still it feels silent and vacuous...Even with our other dog Zinka nipping and gnawing as she does in the morning first thing -even with her nails on the wood floor and her barking at the mailman...I'm not hearing Ruby's waking routine--her clamoring for a walk, busting open the bathroom door, poking her head through...her circling three times on her bed before she plunks down with either a thud or a gentle curl. Ahhh, this void. Brutal. Then there's what my friend, who just lost her dog said to me in a sweet consoling email-the question of "what do you do with all that love?" That's the thing.....I guess, you lean in harder, punch and rip the substrate even more furiously...love people harder for all the sorrow you know they feel too...I guess that's all we can do...I know, you know, we all must know this- even before we get there with whichever supreme loss we know will inevitably happen and that we must endure....but its a knowing that's ineffable and changes shape before you can etch it out with any words or actions. So without the proper words, ill just say, I guess I actually don't know you know, or I know....but we "do" instead, letting our actions speak for us in these times, no matter how fumbled they may seem. Every thing I reach for, touch, look at, contains a split second of me thinking she is here still in the house, then I get that harsh burst of reality..muscle memory...she is embedded in every pain, ache, and bug bite I'm scratching today-I got these bites when she was smiling and sitting at the park the other day- so engaged and happy.. I'm still trying to wake up...trying to get in the mode to write, cause there's so much I want to say about her-if i loved her boundlessly for 15 1/2 yrs, I love her even more now...didn't think this was possible! .I had said yesterday in my post that I was " terrified of living in a Rubyless world"...But I knew the truth that Ruby was always in everything already-she is why I reached and loved harder then I thought was possible for a broken soul like myself...She made me less base...more tender....every tree top, every blade of grass, every thing that traces an outline of anything else-she seemed to be present in -and this changed me and the way I saw the world...My heart today feels like its been pummeled by a million tiny hammers made of feathers, and my heart knows better then before that it has a job to do......and Ruby led me to this knowingness from the moment I cupped her beating heart in my palm and felt it stop.......
Yesterday morning started with a long drive at dawn through the country where we were able to attend her cremation...the man gave me directions the night before that clearly and intentionally brought us on the scenic route (this we realized when we returned home as the highway was right there) He said "I find people end up elsewhere if they use GPS"...I feel after meeting this man, that what he meant by "elsewhere" was a metaphor...He wanted us to be present for the beautiful drive ...not "elsewhere" GPS would have led us to the highway and we'd have missed the stunning entry to his world...That drive,her last, was part of the whole experience-of the letting go..(We don't use GPS,and i don't even drive!...but he didn't know this!)...I had seen commercials all these years for this place..an animal cemetery/crematory called "Loving Rest Pet Cemetery" and I always cried when it came on....I never thought in a million yrs however I'd seek this particular place out for the same reasons most of you wouldn' t(it always made me think of the Eroll Morris film doc called "Gates Of Heaven")....But I knew all these yrs that when I thought of her death it really concerned me that I wouldn't know what was going to happen to her body once I gave it up to whomever (vet etc) for her to be cremated-for me this matters. And I knew when I lived in Seattle in particular, burial wasn't an option. I'm old school. When my grandmother died at home (she lived with us) she remained in state her last night and my mom tenderly sponged her and changed her nightgown before the undertakers took her away on a snowy February morning...(our old dog, that had become inseparable from her, died a few days later) So I guess its instilled in me, to not have your loved one whisked away before you can say goodbye on your own terms and take care of them one last time...In a perfect world maybe you'd have 48 hours, like some other cultures do.
I didn't want to bury her here in Iowa since we may not be staying here much longer.... A while back a friend had told me she brought her dog and placed it inside the refrigerator at the place he was to be cremated...this was a start, i remember thinking.....I felt like "ok",: "ill at least do that, when the time comes"...wrap her up in a blanket like my friend did- and put a picture of her in her best years to show the attendants that she was loved,( as my friend did) I was extremely touched by this story....Nothing against anyone else's choices, as its not always possible to avoid, and we all have different needs and outlooks on this sort of thing, but I didn't want Ruby in a fridge...for me, that was harder to stomach then the flames themselves.
As anyone with an old dog knows, you have many scares...we had mast cell cancer surgery, lumps and bumps on both ends removed,allergies(Ruby would for years allow me to put all 4 legs at once in little bowls, to soak her paws that used to get infected with yeast and excessive licking)...then 8 moths ago the seizures came, in one 24 hour bout-and we were told this would be the end...The ER vet said, "one month tops" (hell, he wanted us to put her to sleep that very night!). Well in typical Ruby fashion, she bounced back a week later and became very vibrant-almost more so then pre- seizure(b12!) and the seizures never returned...But in that short window, when we weren't sure if she would make it, I did some research and got prepared for the inevitable... What are the odds, my vet uses this place from the TV commercial for their cremations...So I called to ask if I could deliver her myself at least. When they said I could, I felt elated I may have bypassed the need for her to be placed in the fridge....then I asked if I can attend. "Yes" they said. Jackpot! lastly, I asked, "can she be cremated alone"? "Yes". Relief. I knew I at least had that part of the equation prepared and felt a bit less anxiety...I wouldn't have to worry any longer about some complacent glue huffer handling my beloved Ruby..How it was going to go down in terms of her death, was anybody's guess at the time,and this of course has always caused me major anxiety and of course great sorrow. So, I feel blessed and astonished at how it ended. It was a beautiful departure that she died in my arms at home, naturally. I had laid alongside her all day into the evening and sang to her for the last 20 minutes before she let go.
After her last drive through a stunning countryside, we arrived and I had the notion in my mind that if it felt too creepy or wrong, we could take her home and bury her(which would be the only other option). When we pulled up it didn't feel real.....The man who came out looked like a farmer, not a pet cemetery guy,(or at least he didn't look like the guy from the commercial that I was expecting-but it was him)a plus, but I was still rattled and unsure- I had my doubts..I asked the guy "so what made you go into this line of business"?..... i asked abut a million questions and had to wrap my head around what was about to happen...Eventually he asked;"will you be ready in 5 minutes" ? Mike my fiance, tenderly insured me she was really dead and that she really was no longer needing her body...I needed to be told this even tho I knew this....I was a child again in this moment....I huffed her neck, the backs of her velvety ears ,embraced her for a few minutes, one last time and then I let john(the man) take her out of the van and we all went inside .I had her wrapped in a beautiful blanket that i will never wash...and had her cremated with another.
Because.it felt like being on a farm- that helped me psychologically...it was like a big barn with machinery..a fork lift for horses was the first thing you see upon entering-which he was very proud to show and explain to me,..A huge cremation chamber for them...I tried to think of the furnace Ruby was placed into as a portal-a place in which she would simply go back to the elements and be transformed..By the time I left I had a fondness of sorts, for the furnace-it didn't seem as sinister or morbid anymore....I think that because Ruby was being associated with this beast of a caldron I had to see some sort of beauty in it now..(maybe " beauty" and" fondness" are too strong a words, i'm at a loss for now! i just needed to not be slayed by their epic finality and cruel truth)..I liked that it was open and light inside the room, big glass doors opened to the countryside- not at all creepy....In fact it was helpful that there wasn't any pretense...no pews, no inner sanctum(tho he said they used to have that in another building, but it burned down) When the dreaded moment came and he placed her in the cremation chamber, a metal door came down slowly and I let out a wail that must have been centuries old....I didn't know a sound like that existed within me. It was so hard to release her, but I knew I had to be there when the process started...when the fire was turned on... to know and see the transformation-to see her out all the way. It was a loud rumble, not unlike a jet engine taking off.
It turns out the man, John, that runs this operation (family run) was one of the biggest characters I've ever met.....kind of a Santa Claus type...big overalls..long white hair...since the cremation took 90 minutes, he had time to tell me many stories...He told me that he has never cremated a horse that belonged to a man-only women .The most recent one was 45 yrs old (the horse). He told me too that he gets tons of calls from frantic families that have lost elderly loved ones and are about to bury them and then the loved ones old dog suddenly dies...These people want to have a quick cremation so they can put the ashes in the casket. He always helps them out. Not surprising this is so common, as it happened to us. He also told me one of the reasons it was always a rule(back in the day) to not let people be in the same room as the crematory or to not have a wall to separate them from the furnace, is because I guess there is fear of people trying to jump inside to be with their loved one, or pet...i get this!! My guess is he had me pegged as a potential jumper when he heard those wails......but there were no walls.
Anyway, this place had an animal cemetery and you have to believe me...it wasn't hokey, or lets just say, in this context it made sense and was very sweet and innocent...these folks were for real, or at least they were the type of "for real" I needed them to be.......I sat on a little bench in the cemetery comforted by the fact that there were so many loved, departed pets surrounding me...Tombstones etched with names like "Midnight", "Tootsie" "Samantha Parker" even some horses!..... I sat on a bench and watched Ruby come up out of the smoke stack ..As I mentioned....the setting was extremely rural-hillsides that seemed to be fluorescing(in the words of Gary Heffern regarding his dog Butch's death and my observations of Iowa's stunning coloration)), little homesteads with horses and mules....winding roads...heavenly .It brought me so much comfort to think of her particles descending upon this beautiful swatch of land.
It just so happened John was a huge bluegrass fan and player -and at some point he invited us into his home which was part of the compound..we had no idea til he invited us in what was in-store....He eventually led us to a room with 100 guitars or so on the walls mostly..but before that he made me play a song and then he sang a couple for me ...Kind of sounded like Johnny Cash-he had major heart and soul, like a preacher singing, which he was- for the animals...it was so surreal...but it made me think how amazing it was that Ruby was sent off by this eccentric (in the best of ways )gatekeeper, that was such a celebratory character..its as if she were saying.."Jesse, this is why you play music and can't go off the rails"...and " I'm going to be ok Jesse, I'm just REALLY going to be in everything now, literally...you will see me everywhere!".....Anyone that knows me knows, I don't usually sing in strangers living rooms- meaning I don't bust into song just because a guitar is laying around......I'm kind of squirrely that way! But I sang for her....
They had a huge x-mas tree in the room with all the guitars on the walls- and I asked what the deal was; he said, "oh, that's my music tree." It was decorated with little musical instrument ornaments...When I told him about Ruby being on the stage of the Fillmore once, he gave me an old poster of Janis Joplin "live at The Fillmore"....I didn't feel apologetic for deciding to find meaning in all this...after all Janis Joplin is my earliest hero ..one of the reasons I sing in the first place .I just cant explain the gratitude that I will always associate Ruby's cremation, truly the saddest day of my life so far, with this strange thru the looking glass experience of life affirming, celebratory zeal...Ruby is my guide dog-literally- and she brought me right up to the end, to a place I needed to be...she, the black ribbon running thru my life, tied the final bow .I had always thought it would be dark-a morbid experience to go this route. I said " I'll need to be bathed and spoon fed when she goes"(i'm not out of woods yet frankly)...but instead, I had the minister of an animal cemetery/crematory who chaperoned my sweet girl to the next world, stick a guitar in my hands and say,"sing me song"..
Holiday Sale in the Online Store!!
Mike Dumovich's Music
Thanks Larry Page....
Play Reckless For Me
autumnal happenings...
Some words on the new album......
Some words on the album: We starting recording this album back in Sept of 2009, and chipped away throughout 2010. We had been doing quite a lot of touring on the last album and I found it very hard to write in that window...plus Phil and I were going through the break up of a 10 year relationship. So, I think he and I needed to take the time to process a lot of things in our personal lives...hence the reason it all is and has been taking so much time to finish-that is of course if one bases time on record years! I am trying not to do that-as I find one's life will pass them by much too quickly if they are to do so!
Most of the songs on this album that I wrote alone, were written in Iowa while visiting my fiance Mike who is finishing off his PhD there.. Somehow Phil and I were able to navigate these changes and stay together in our musical partnership...which I feel speaks volumes about how we felt towards what we have nurtured all these years- and about each other. There is a lot of trust and care in terms of what we do. Neither of us was willing to let it go and in many ways we are closer now then we were as girlfriend and boyfriend. I now live between Iowa and Seattle. Iowa is were i share my life with Mike Shultz, and Seattle is where i live my musical life. In my heart they are two of the same. There is very little if any separation ...which may be the answer to why making a record represents so much, why it is not an easy emotional state to be in. Anyway, we chose to record on tape and we chose to work with Mell Dettmer who we have known for a long time thru the SUNNO)) association...I met her and Randall Dunne when I was recording "The Sinking Belle" with SUNNO))) and Boris, and i was very impressed with them as a unit. Mell had helped us mix some songs on the "Gentleness Of Nothing" ep and we loved working with her....we also did some more recording on the "Tempest" ep with her. It seemed like a no brainer that she would be able to help us get the sounds we were going for. She also has a tremendous amount of patience to deal with our sometimes less then easy antics. We recorded the basic tracks at Avast, and then did most overdubs at her home studio Aleph. Martin Faveyear mixed this album ...we so enjoyed working with him on "LLL" that we felt it too was a no brainer. As I said, this record wasn't easy to make, they NEVER are for us. I used to think there was something wrong with us and was apologetic for always having such highs and lows while recording-apologetic for being "difficult"...but we are not of the "well adjusted" music making ilk that seem to be so prevalent these days. Beware music that is made by people who boast how well adjusted they are-they are the devil as far as I'm concerned (more on this later!) I suppose i could write forever on the subject of the intensity of recording or doing anything that demands every fiber of your being to be awake and engaged at all times-i wish someday someone would...not about our story...but about why maybe it shouldn't always be easy? And why we feel the need to be apologetic for caring so much in this particular era. If life is happening and there is no separation between life and art-well where does one draw the line? . I'm fascinated by this and by life...by everyone's life!!! So, in the process of this recording, a lot of "life" went down...good and bad things. Bill Herzog and his girl friend Kelley Healey had their first child- a girl they named Elizabeth. ....and in the meantime I and Eric become engaged (he has since married the lovely Marie Skoor) . Sadly, while all these wonderful things were happening, Phil's father died of cancer very quickly and unexpectedly. So,while life was happening there has been a lot of personal growth and evolution. And, I can only hope the music speaks of this..."sounds" of this. We are not the same people we were when we stared this band back in 2002....we are in spirit, but what we are reaching for is ever changing as we all grasp for what it is we were meant to become back then (does that make sense?). I feel like we are slowly arriving at this place. This is one of the really beautiful things about getting older. I am just honored to be working with the same people for this long....and to have had Anne Marie join us on a couple of songs as well, well that was more meaningful then one can express in words...I feel blessed.
springtime news..."sinking belle" and more.....
Southern Lord Recording Artists SUNN O))) and BORIS will unite to perform as ALTAR -- as heard on their 2006 Altar full-length -- at the third annual All Tomorrow's Parties Festival in Monticello, New York.
A varied barrage of of acts are confirmed to perform at this outdoor extravaganza in addition to ALTAR, including Iggy & The Stooges [performing Raw Power], Sleep [performing Holy Mountain], Sonic Youth, Mudhoney, Tortise, Brian Jonestown Massacre, Raekwon, Explosions In The Sky and more. ALTAR's performance shall take the headlining slot for Sunday, September 5th, the full day curated by legendary filmmaker Jim Jarmusch, who included selections from the Altar album and other Southern Lord artists in his 2009 film The Limits of Control.
For the full ATP 2010 lineup and other info on the festival check the Southern Lord Blog: http://blog.southernlord.com/?p=260 or ATP's official site: http://www.atpfestival.com.
For coverage on all Southern Lord aktions contact the Earsplit Compound.
happy new year!!
July 7th and July 11th!!! hearts bursting......
July 7th "In The Round" w/ Damien Jurardo @ The Triple Door, Sea Wa
July 11th, No Depression Festival @ Merrymore Park (redmond, wa) W/ Gillian Welch and Iron and Wine (we play at 5-full band!! ) .......join us,......if this is your thang!!!
To All American Dogs On The 4th of July
To all American dogs that survived the 4th of July, I salute you. But beware! It's not over yet, as there are still those random neighbors that must unfurl their remaining stash in the wee hours of the morning-the lone M-80 or the singular bottle rocket. Some of you older dogs have lost your hearing, and watch with concern and horror as your younger brothers and sisters have to endure the fever that you still feel, only now in memory- etched deep beneath your bones. It's easy to forgive a passing moment of madness- scratching through the linoleum flooring, curling up inside the tub, something primeval- as long and deep as the need to run fast and hard in a straight line so the sound of your beating heart is louder then the sound of the sky falling. J.S
june 20th!! jesse and phil play (duo) songs from The Tempest and others...Ep available!!!
In other news, Bill Herzog's talents were featured in the latest Jim Jarmusch film in which he and Atsuo (from Boris) make beautiful noise together...we are proud of Bill and also our friends in Sunno))) and Boris to be part of this movie.....have a good summer!! xojess
phil and jesse compose music for "the tempest"
some words about our show Friday April 10th
pedal to the meddle!!!
FREE* OUTDOOR* ALL AGES SHOW! AUG. 15TH
Winnipeg And Ray Davies
> >> _________________________________________________________________
back from europe and onto other worlds...
***a new song off our tour ep has need posted "sunday skin" it's called.
order your Like Love Lust vinyl NOW!!!
I am so excited to announce that the vinyl is available and the street date for those of you who still go into record shops is April 14th. Our friends at Southern Lord have already sold out of the first pressing and until they repress, those of you who need to have them shipped can order them from our online store (starting this Monday) or through our label Barsuk Records.
Anyway, it looks absolutely stunning- the printer did a fantastic job (although he was unable to give me an upper lip!) as did stephen omalley with his re- arrangement of the layout and beautiful new take on the back cover. anyway, as i mentioned it is a double record and it has a bonus track "smiling serene" and also a very limited amount of peach/pearl colored vinyl is available. i dont know about you, but i intend to hold that colored plastic up to the sun and just stare through it for hours while i spin the record on my pinky finger. these are limited edition pressings, so act quickly if you want one!! also to report, we just spent last weekend (from friday noon till 7 a.m monday morning) in the studio (avast) with the exceptional mell dettmer at the helm, mixing some songs that eric recorded at his house and mine! eric mixed the last song starting at 3 in the morning-yikes!! we had a good time, and these songs will be available when you see us live-which brings me to the next batch of news....europe dates are still being worked out and there is more then just talk of a west coast jaunt with our friends in EARTH in june-cant wait!!! ok,well, see you soon j.s
artist artist David Levinthal uses "reckless burning" in an installation!
Moscow, London and Paris. i am very honored to be part of anything this guy is doing, as i am a huge fan of his work! http://www.davidlevinthal.com/index.html
Anxiety
of mutual understanding is anxiety.
Those who have been purely afraid
of themselves know what it is to love.
And those who haven't don't.
Everyone needs to have been there:
in that special space
where nothing has ever made sense.
Whence compassion is essence.
Fear is so great when the universe rings
like a small bowl
that the toll is only to love.
But life is a series of ever smaller,
intenser fears, the animals complained.
One day we shall feel this, but when?
When there is no more "happening",he said.
-from "The Animals"
Jesse is selling some of her older photographic work
The scans of the images are not so good, so be forewarned, and the work doesn't completely represent at all where i am at today, but it does represent the seedlings for what i am doing now in a huge way. In a perfect world i would have liked to put up for view the whole body of work as a opposed to a few random prints(it makes a huge difference!),but i decided in the end i couldn't part with any of the prints unless i had at least one copy left for myself,so these represent the only ones i have doubles of! I hope that made sense.They aren't cheap either, but because i don't print anymore, they are being considered by me-limited edition.(matting and shipping is also taken care of in the cost)They were all shot with my beloved Leica which i still carry with me to this day and for the most part were taken in providence R.I. and NYC back in the day! Well,thank you for your time.Hope all is well,happy holidays, and you all take it easy-jesse
p.s its been a good year for "LLL" and thank you all for your support! the record has shown up on lots of year end lists such as harp,paste,Artforum and amazon!
kouw disaster
Slim and Clare
who loved her man more
then Clare loved Slim
Like Bonnie and Clyde
Slim and Clare forever...
all of our hearts are with you and the kids... R.I.P Slim
Appearing w/ Earth,Sunno)) @ Boris in London!
Minn and Chicago shows are full band!
In a Puff
To All Dogs On The 4th Of July
To all American dogs that survived the 4th of July,I salute you.But beware!It's not over yet,as there are still those random neighbors that must unfurl their remaining stash in the wee hours of the morning-the lone M-80 or the singular bottle rocket.Some of you older dogs have lost your hearing and watch with concern and horror as your younger brothers and sisters have to endure the fever that you still feel,only in memory, etched deep beneath your bones.Its easy to forgive a passing moment of madness- scratching through the linoleum flooring,curling up inside the tub,something primeval- as long and deep as the need to run fast and hard in a straight line so the sound of your beating heart is louder then the sound of the sky falling.J.S
The Colorful Seeds Of A Flip Flop
When i was 4 years old i had gotten my first pair of flip flops. Summer was pretty much all about going down to the 5 and 10 and picking them out-at least this is where it all started for me-that summer feeling.A lot of thought went into deciding which pair you were going to take home,though back then there were just a few colors to chose from....but something about the ritual,the smell of summer defined by heaps of rubber in a giant bin-this marked the beginning of excitement and wonder-and,endless possibility!
Anyway, on this fourth summer,we were walking through the back yard after a torrential rain fall, I in my new flip flops that i refused to take off,no matter what the circumstance-even around the horses i would learn the hard way after having my toes almost crushed on several occasions.The rain had left the yard a mini disaster area,and I'm not quite sure why we were out there at that time-maybe my mother was checking on the vegetable garden-all i know is that at some point my legs were being sucked down a good 12 inches into what for me seemed like quicksand,swallowing up almost a third of my body. When my Mother pulled me out, one flip flop was gone! It was quickly decided that it was irretrievable. I was distraught.She said that now i could look forward to a tree that would grow from this flip flop-a flip flop tree!!This was a good thing to believe in,and i, with all my heart knew it was going to happen. j.S.
And,So The Wind Wont Blow It All Away
Strength and devotion
And then we made....
Oh Sweet Nuthin'
well, well....well - it seems that as soon as we finally decide to commit to a cover tune, everybody and their brother's fuckin' uncle have done it as well. At least we were a little more thoughtful than doing "I wanna be your Dog" by the Stooges! Guess we're not as alt-country as some folks thought we were! SXSW was a blast.....I think my ears are still pounding from the loud-ass bands that weren't so good. I enjoyed Elvis Perkins...............I guess that's about it - Oh, and of course everyone at the Barsuk party.
We've been home for a little more than a week....played a great night with Sadies up in Bellingham.....the most amazing band in North America.....God bless you folks up there. Jennifer O'Conner was along as well, making the nights she played with us memorable indeed. The Tractor shows proved to be the highlight of our year so far.....we've come a long ways since the days of sitting down.
Lookout Europe....we are rolling with wheels of thunder.
KCRW------today, Wednesday........March 21st
european dates TBA and Bonnaroo!
HELP
Here's the deal.......we lost our transmission. Got a new one. Got to the East coast. Lost the transmission again. In a rental van headin to Atlanta. End of the tour with Sparklehorse tonight. Buy our records. Need money. Tell your friends in the Deep South to come out. Need water. Out of smoke. Working hard. Say a prayer......for us
Here come the Cave Birds
As we drag our war torn bodies across this dusty land -
there are those who bear witness
to our battle
those who give thanks,
those who fight themselves -
alongside us in this world.
We keep our hearts in your hands,
our songs in your heads
asleep at the wheel
no longer.....................................
Well - here we are in Santa Fe.....and that would be snow and not the sand you would expect in the desert. Our friend Keith put us up....or put up with us.....depending on how late it was. As you can see it is early on in the tour, because we are all still smiling. Soon there will be less of us - more snow and probably a few black eyes - so enjoy these times with us while we have them. Come out and see us with Sparklehorse - they are truly nice people and carry a catchy tune as well. See you soon.